03/13 2013 Posted In Difficulties & Loss, Family, Friends & Community, Mindful, Non-attachment/Letting go, Thoughts From Annie

Where do we go when we die?

Dear Friends,

I spent a full day this week at the hospital with a dear 82-year-old friend and her family.  What I thought was going to be a one hour conference with the doctor, her family and myself, turned into eight hours of meditation and discussion about whether to resuscitate our friend should she stop breathing again.  She had been resuscitated two times earlier in the week, and was being kept alive by the combination of breathing apparatus and feeding tube connected directly into her intestines.

In the end her sons made the final call.  They decided to have her resuscitated if her breathing or heart failed again, and to keep her on the life support even while three different “super bugs” chewed through her body. For them they had to make a decision that would allow them to sleep at night. And not resuscitating her would have been tantamount to “giving up” in their minds. They weren’t ready to let go of their beloved mother.

This is a decision process that many of us will have to go through at some point with a loved one.  We want to keep them with us as long as possible.  And we also don’t want them to suffer.  My friend’s son put it this way, “I am sure that ma doesn’t want to die, that I know. And I know that she doesn’t want to keep suffering like this.” Wouldn’t we all say that about ourselves and our loved ones.  It’s human nature that we don’t want to die and we don’t want to suffer. So it’s hard to make decisions about when someone has had enough suffering and is ready to go.

The Buddha never commented on whether there was another life after this one.  When asked, he kept silent.  What he did say was, “I teach only suffering and the end of suffering.”  And for the Buddha it was clear that clinging to anything in the realm of form, including our body or our loved one’s body, was a source suffering. And at the same time he taught that we don’t have a completely separate self or soul that continues intact.  Form is Emptiness and Emptiness is Form.  We are not this body and we are also not something other than this body.

So where does that leave us in making end of life decisions?   I can see that my friend is not this deteriorating body full of bedsores, MRSA, and failing digestive system. That is clear.  So if she’s not in that body, then where can I find my friend?

Because she spent so much time with us and my kids while they were young, I find my friend in the twinkle in my kids’ eyes when then talk about how silly and feisty she was.  I find her in my own resilience to difficulties as I watched her facing the psychiatric breakdown of one daughter and the homelessness of another.  One of my go-to stories that makes me laugh and cry at the same time is this one:  She was walking down the street one evening and heard a crack and felt wetness flowing down her neck.  Realizing that she had been hit over the head by a would-be assailant and was bleeding, she kept her head up and continued to walk briskly to her destination.  The attacker, who must have been shocked by the strength and stamina of this petite woman, fled.  Even though it happened to her, it has given me courage through the years.

“You are like a candle. Imagine you are sending light out all around you. All your words, thoughts and actions are going in many directions. If you say something kind, your kind words go in many directions, and you yourself go with them. We are …transforming and continuing in a different form at every moment.”  – Thich Nhat Hanh, from No Death, No Fear

I also find my friend in the eyes and manners of her sons and her nieces.  Sitting with them in the hospital for so many hours, there was no doubt in my mind that she was right there with us.  The stories we told and the ways that we were changed by our interactions with her are permanent and will continue on through our own lives and through the energies and memories that we pass along to future generations. Even though we are empty we exist and we inter-are with and influence everything around us.

“If our boats are empty, though there is still a vessel carried by the prevailing winds and currents there is not ‘someone’ in it to be misunderstood…Everything is in perfect harmony.  Nothing is pulling against the natural flow.  No one in the boat: no one to suffer”  – Stephen Levine, from Who Dies?

Seeing all of this, I know that I never have to let go of my friend.  The outcome for all of us is the same.  We will leave this fathom-long body at some point in the not so distant future. But because there is no “me” or “her” to let go of, there is no letting go.  We are transforming and sending ourselves out in every moment of our lives. And the last moment, when we lose this body, is just another moment of transformation.

with love, annie
02/25 2013 Posted In Friends & Community, Love & Compassion, Mindful, Non-attachment/Letting go, Thoughts From Annie

Hippie Jesus and Attached Non-attachment

Dear Friends,

When I was 9 years old, my cousin Tom and I saw the face of Jesus in my bedroom window.  His father, my uncle, was a Presbyterian minister, and we were both thrilled that such a cool and kind guy would come to see us.  We had first learned about Jesus in Bible stories at Sunday school, and had more recently heard him singing on the album Jesus Christ Superstar.  We knew this Jesus so well that we could sing every song from the album.  And we did.

I wasn’t an extremely religious child.  But in retrospect, I was drawn to Jesus Christ Superstar for more than simply the great music.  On this album, the very hippie Jesus sang about living a human life fully in the present moment.  When the apostles got anxious about the future he told them: “Don’t you mind about the future, don’t you try to think ahead.  Save tomorrow for tomorrow, think about today instead.”  He even suggested that his female companion, Mary Magdalene, was the one person who was truly helping, because with her gentle touch “she alone has tried to give me what I need right here and now.”  He was real and present.

In my extended angst-filled teenage years, I would sometimes wake up from what felt like a shameful night of excess and find my way into a nearby church, looking, with minimal success, for that real live Jesus.  Many years later I went to Divinity School in an attempt to find that Jesus.  While there, I listened jealously to my classmates’ stories about how Jesus pulled them out of their painful addiction or how he literally rode in the front seat of their car everywhere they went.

I have infrequently told others about my secret longing for a Jesus of my own, and whenever I have, I have been surprised to discover that many have also wished for a protector friend who would be by their side at all times. I didn’t want a distant amorphous being in the sky, I wanted the flesh and blood Jesus on whose shoulder I could cry, who would laugh at the crazy world with me, and who would stay close to me when I felt too depressed to get out of bed.

Meanwhile, I continued to learn and practice Buddhist teachings.  And I learned that the heart of the Buddha’s teaching is that we can end suffering by letting go of our craving for and attachment to things and people who are impermanent. And yet it’s clear that our craving for impermanent human connection, physical and emotional, is something normal and natural and even healthy for us.

Most teachers living and writing today would say that Buddhist non-attachment means simply knowing and living with the awareness that everyone and everything in our world of form is impermanent.  As Ajahn Chah teaches, ”Someone gave me this glass, and I really like this glass. It holds my water admirably and it glistens in the sunlight. One day the wind may blow it off the shelf, or my elbow may knock it from the table. I know this glass is already broken, so I enjoy it incredibly.”

But if we look at the story of the Buddha’s life, the Buddha abandoned his wife and son at home in order to find his own enlightenment.  This is usually a small footnote in the story of the Buddha-formerly-known-as-Prince-Siddharta, but what does this say about what he meant by non-attachment?  Are we supposed to be non-attached in the way that we can walk away from our loved ones?  Maybe the Buddha suffered a lot when he left his family, but that is not part of the story.

In 12-step programs, we learn to “detach with love.” A beautiful definition of this is from Courage to Change: ”Detachment with love means that I stop depending upon what others do, say, or feel to determine my own well-being or to make my decisions.” This is a lovely concept, but is it really possible or even desirable in human form?  Is it possible not to be distraught when a loved one has attempted suicide or not to feel joy when our partner says he loves us?

And herein lies the edge.  We can read the Buddha’s teaching on non-attachment as a way to avoid the deeply natural need for physical and emotional connection, to separate ourselves from others and keep our need for connection suppressed. Or we can use our practice in a way that connects us more deeply with this impermanent physical life and the impermanent beings in our lives.

“But we are so fond of life that we have no leisure to entertain the terror of death. It is a honeymoon with us all through, and none of the longest. Small blame to us if we give our whole hearts to this glowing bride of ours, to the appetites, to honor, to the hungry curiosity of the mind, to the pleasure of the eyes in nature, and the pride of our own nimble bodies.” — Robert Louis Stevenson

Longing for connection with others is what humans do.  It’s what we are designed to do. Our children are physically attached to us before birth, and after birth are completely dependent on us for every aspect of their being. So how do we practice attached non-attachment?

“Human being is human being.  We can enjoy our life only with our limited body and limited life.  This limitation is vital element for us.  Without limitation nothing exist, so we should enjoy the limitation.  Weak body, strong body; man or woman.  We should—the only way to enjoy our life is to enjoy the limitation which was given to us…

So, ‘the sun-faced buddha, the moon-faced buddha’ does not mean, ‘I don’t care the sun-faced buddha or the moon-faced buddha.’ It means that the sun-faced [hits table with stick] buddha, the moon-faced [hits table with stick] buddha, you know. We should enjoy the sun-faced buddha, the moon-faced buddha. It-it is not indifference. It is the more than attachment-strong, strong attachment to the moon-faced Buddha or the sun-faced buddha. But usually our attachment-we say ‘non-attachment.’ When our attachment reach to the non-attachment, that is real attachment.  So if—if you attach to something, you should attached to something completely.  The sun-faced buddha, the moon-faced buddha!  ’I am here,’ you know, ‘I am right here.’”  – Suzuki Roshi

We are embodied.  Everyone one of us exists in human form.  And the practice of non-attachment is not about getting past our human form, it is about living fully within our human form.  Human beings need other human beings, for physical touch, emotional care, and intellectual stimulation, among other things.  We can live fully in our physical form, fully in our attachment to others within the larger context of knowing that the glass is already broken.

We can’t avoid the pain of living in a human form and loving other beings with our whole heart.  It’s like knowing that we are playing out a human drama on a stage, but embracing our part so completely, that we may not always remember that it’s a play.  We never fully forget that it’s a play- we keep the knowledge that the glass is already broken in our back pocket- but we don’t let that knowledge get in the way of loving each other in the most human embodied way possible.

As Mother Theresa so beautifully said, “Everyone is Jesus in a distressing disguise.”  Knowing that, I don’t have to wait for another sighting in my window.  I can fully embrace other physical beings- each one a real live “Jesus”-  with all my physical attachment and non-attachment simultaneously. And that is just what I always wanted.

with love, annie
02/07 2013 Posted In Contentment/Happiness, Friends & Community, Mindful, Perceptions & Thoughts, Thoughts From Annie

Taking a Hit of Superiority


“There is no house like the house of belonging.”  – David Whyte

Dear Friends,

One morning this week I arrived a few minutes late for a meditation group. I did my best to be quiet as I slipped in, blew my nose, opened the blanket under my cushion, and then sat down to meditate. All good. Some time later, another latecomer arrived. I heard him coming up the stairs, taking off his coat, and slowly creak open the door. He put down his bags, found a cushion, and sat down.

During his entry, my mind was taking careful notes.  And when he finally sat down, my mind reached it’s conclusion: I had been much quieter entering than he had.  When this thought arose, I had a jolt of pleasant feelings, a physiological high based on knowing that I was “better than.” It didn’t matter what or whom I was better than, just that I was better. It was very similar to the feeling I have had when a drug or drink first hit my brain. ”Ahhhh.”

Using “better than” to get high is a very familiar process for me. I might call it a habit.  Or even an addiction. The sweet feeling that arises when I think I am better than someone is addictive. And like other addictive substances, its effects are fleeting and always lead to a sober let down sometime in the future. But in that moment, I don’t care. I just want the high.

In the reverse situation, for example if someone comes in more quietly and mindfully that I do, I will tell myself that I am not as good as they are so I’d better try harder if I want that hit of superiority.  In any case, whether I find myself feeling better than, worse than, or even equal to, my mind is engaged in the game of “Who’s better?”  And while it appears that sometimes I can win this game, in fact, it’s always a losing game.

Let’s say I do get the hit of superiority, feeling smugly better than someone else.  The high generally only lasts until the next opportunity for comparision. So what to do? At the end of the movie I Heart Huckabees, one of the men loses everything in a house fire, and when his enemy sees this, he suddenly understands the meaning of life. He feels compassion for his enemy and realizes that every one of us are suffering and every one of us just wants happiness and ease.

Thich Nhat Hanh suggests that we can look to our shared suffering in order to see our innate oneness with other beings and to help us let go of our addictions to feeling superior, inferior, or equal.

“When we see the other person, we should recognize that in him or her there is suffering also.  There is suffering in us for sure, but there is suffering in him and in her too, so you have something in common – both of you suffer.  And you forget about that you are equal to him or better than him or are worth less than him. That person may look very fancy, but there is one thing that is certain; there is suffering in him or in her, and if you can touch that compassion in you it will arise and it will protect you from afflictions such as jealously, superiority, and inferiority.” –Thich Nhat Hanh

When we begin to grasp our inter-relatedness to all of life, we truly feel that we belong to our life. We are no longer trying to compete with others, because we realize that our actions and our happiness depend directly on the actions and happiness of others.

Underneath my addiction to feeling “better than,” what I am really longing for is  this feeling of belonging. The experience of belonging to this world is a satisfying, sustained-release kind of high, with no crash and no hangover.  When I experience belonging, I don’t need to feel superior, inferior, or equal.

And when someone is noisy coming late to meditation, instead of using that experience to perpetuate my feelings of separateness, I can say hello to my craving for “better than” and make a choice.  Do I put my attention on remembering how much quieter I was, or on how both of us were clumsily trying our best not to disturb others?  Do I  want to give in to the short-lived high of feeling superior, or go for the bliss of belonging?

with love, annie
12/26 2012 Posted In Friends & Community, Thoughts From Annie

More Blogs to Explore

Dear Friends,

This list of blogs comes from a friend and fellow yogi, Robyn Greenhouse (see #1 below)…  I haven’t vetted all the blogs, but given that Rawmindfulness is on the list, I am guessing that if you read this blog, you might enjoy some of these.  Please comment below if there are some that you really like.  And Happy Holidays!

  1. Adventures in Laughter With 3 boys there is always lots of activity in Robyn’s life. At her blog she shares stories of their adventures, poetry and maybe a photo or two.
  2. Stacie Jewelry  Stacie Spencer is an amazing jewelry designer! You will want to check out her blog and Etsy store for sure! For more inspiration, stop by on Monday’s for Make a Difference Monday.
  3. New Mercies I See Denise Powers Fabian will open your eyes to the beauty around you.  After reading her blog and seeing her photos, you will find gratitude in so many of your daily activites!
  4. My Corner Through My Lens Cathy Sly shares her stories of life through her camera and poems that will make you reread them once or twice not wanting to miss any of the meaning!
  5. Paisley Rainboots  Following Sarah Huzienga’s blog is like sitting and talking with a friend from childhood! Share in her daily thoughts and pictures.
  6. Kelly Bradley Lives Well Looking for healthy tips and ways to stay inspired? Check out Kelly Bradley’s blog to jump start your new year’s resolutions!
  7. tiny buddha  Lori Deschene not only shares words of wisdom and guidance but she also invites you to share her space with your thoughts as well. How nice is that?
  8. Desktop Dreams Grab your coffee and get comfy as you browse Viv Halliwell’s photos! You’ll want to sit for a while to take them all in.
  9. a flash of … inspiration Keep that coffee hot, to keep enjoying more beautiful photos, this time from Helen Whitaker.

10. Photographically Speaking While we’re at it, here are more photographs that will make you want to grab your camera and take a photowalk! Thanks Terri Porter for the inspiration!

11. Girlfriendology Girlfriendology says it best themselves, “Who better to trust for advice and reviews than your girlfriends, right?!” Check out their page and blog for information, resources and advice!

12. Rawmindfulness  As a student of Buddhism and a yoga instructor, Annie Mahon, provides much for you to think about in her blog. Be sure to have a few minutes after reading her posts to just sit, think, and enjoy the words she shares.

13. Melody Lea Lamb  If you want to see the cutest drawings of animals you’ve come to the right place! Melody’s love of art and animals are combined into her artwork and etsy store!

14. Pride in Photos Stop by to see Laurie Sriver’s beautiful photos and read about her blog. Don’t miss the adorable photos of her new grandson!

15. Justine Gordon Photography Get ready to be amazed at some beautiful photos! As I was writing this, I got lost in Justine’s blog looking at all the captured beauty!

16. Living In A Still Life Jessica Maleski may be the mother of seven, but she still finds time to capture beautiful photos and to post them to her blog!

17. From Processed to Pure Donna Baumon shares her knowledge of healthy eating. You may rethink your dinner menu after reading Donna’s tips and get ready for some good healthy cooking!

18. Old Back Porch Patrice has beautiful photography, shares tutorials, and digital scrapbooking ideas. There’s always something to see and learn here!

19. In Lilith’s Grove Sue Jorgenson shares the mysteries and beauties of the Universe as she sees them.

20. Janet Hovde, Artist and Healer Janet is an artist and a healer. Stop by her blog to see how she connects art, healing, intuition and life.

21. Learn+Explore+Share Heather Koshiol shares her discoveries as she follows her hearts true path. I’m sure some of these experiences will resonate with you as well!

22. Kadee Willow Reading Kadee’s post is like sitting down with an old friend. As she shares her thoughts and photos from her day.

23. Meg Boone Meg, a happiness instigator, will help you find creativity in your life! She shares honestly and openly on her blog. Take a look for yourself and find your creativity!

24. Poetic Aperture Naomi has so much to share! You never know exactly what you will find – gorgeous photos, interesting posts, or even a post explaining how she conducted her friends wedding! You do know it will be interesting!

25. MomTini Lounge  As a parent if you are looking for some guidance, some inspiration to get your life back in order, then you’ve come to the right place! Amy Smith will help you find that groove again. As the mother of 3 boys, she has plenty of experience!

26. I’m a Late Bloomer So many of us stumble upon life’s path and then find our way later in life. Teresa Cash shares these stories of late bloomers. You can find inspiration here plus if you are alate bloomer, it’s nice to know you are not alone!

27. A Smile Maker Teresa is busy blogging her as well! Check out her beautiful art work which will inspire you to share a smile with others!

28.  Susie’s Heart Path Suzie Itstein shares her knowledge of finding love and inspiration for your day. She shares ways to find more love in her life and yours as well.

29. Sasha Cagen As the author of Quirkyalone, Sasah Cagen takes you on her journey through life discovering what matters in life and romance looking for that possibility of quirkyalone to quirkytogether.

30. Lanier Scott Isom Lanier is an author and journalist. On her site she shares links to her many articles that she has written, as well as to her first book. Stay tuned…another is in the making!

31. Catching Sundust For beautiful pictures to inspire you to grab your camera and get outside, stop by to see Bec’s photos! Make sure your walking shoes are on when you do stop by!

32. Here to There Journey to Joyful Living Terry Gassett is a life coach who can help you find joy in your life journey! If that’s something that sounds good to you be sure to stop by!

33. be*you*tiful reflections Danielle Kallinovskis Evans shares openly and honestly on her journey in life through self portraits. Sharing her stories she hopes to help inspire other women who just may need that extra lift to their life.

34. Gallery Dee Elissa Dee shares her artistic journey of mixed media on her blog. Her artwork is so gorgeous to see  the pieces she makes and the photography as well!

35. Me and My Empty Nest  Lisa Farrar shares the stories of her empty nest, finding more time in her days and enjoying the times when her kids are home now.

36. Life Behind the Purple Door Cate, the mother of four, still has time to post on her blog! Four kids gives lots to write about! You can also find resources for other ideas and a countdown to Christmas!

37. Wood Rabbit Journey Every day ideas and beautiful pictures are recorded here for all time. Inspired by a Grandmother who typed her memories a the typewriter so all the details wouldn’t be forgotten, here’s the modern day take on recording memories!

38. Freshly Hatched Studio If you like scrapbooking, journals, invitations and all things paper related, here’s the site for you! Amelia Woodbridge shares all her ideas here with you!

39. My HR Life If you work in HR or have questions, ideas about HR, there is even a blog just for you! Joey Kolasinsky shares her thoughts on HR and more!

40. LaRock Star Creative Lizzie Larock

41. A Moving Story Everything was predictable in Kimberley Sundy’s life until…they moved to Mexico! Somewhere totally new for her and now you can follow along as she begins her unpredictable life!

42. Andi’s People Andi Schroeder makes the cutest greeting cards and stationary! Don’t forget to check out her blog as you get caught up in looking at all the cute pictures she has created!

43. Sweet Blue Sky Kelly Walsh Loss looks for the silver lining of everyday. That’s in between work, raising kids, and everything else in between!

44. Bright Eyes Reflections Maribeth Doerr has experienced a lot in her life. As a grievance counselor she shares these experiences and teaches how to handle these painful situations for yourself and for others.

45. Still and All Sherry Galey’s photos are beautiful! Come see the photos and read the stories behind them as well! Don’t forget to stop by her card shop for some post cards! It’s always nice to find the old fashioned snail mail in your mailbox!

46. Josephine Hands by the Handful Josephine Hands is a mixed media artist, mom and blogger. The last time I stopped by she was sharing lines from her diary from her teenage years! It was like reminiscing with an old friend!

47. Make Believe Boutique Stephanie’s blog shares beautiful pictures with words of wisdom. Take a moment to observe the pictures, read her posts and spend the next few minutes digesting it all!

48. My Healthy Life With MS Nicolle Burke was 26 when she was diagnosed with MS. Her blog is  support for others living with MS – an inspiration for each day! It’s also a place for those without MS to stop by and read as well!

  1. 49.  Not Tidy Yvonne Aris sums up life for her as not tidy. What a great way to put the hustle and bustle of today – not tidy! She adds humor to her stories – read the edits and after thoughts on her post about her hair color! Very funny!

50. imaginary garden with real toads If you like writing prompts, then you will want to bookmark this blog! You’ll get prompts during the week, plus open Monday to posts a poem you want to share, and linky parties so you can read other poems and meet other bloggers as well! Stop by just to read or leave your poem!

51. Poets United Another site with writing prompts! Get your pen, your paper, your computer and get ready to write! The prompts will get those wheels turning for sure! Also stop by to learn about famous poets, or maybe you have a poem you’ve written that you want to share on Sunday’s in the Poetry Pantry. Every day there’s something new and interesting going on!

52. Stardreaming with Sherry Blue Sky In my finding of poetry prompts and blogs, here is a site that combines them all! Time to warm up that coffee or tea, and make time to sit and enjoy Sherry’s writings and photos!

53. Footprints of a Curious Mind Farizah Sedek’s blog shares fine art and travel photography from her life. If you want to travel but don’t have the time, stop by here to get a glimpse of places you just might want to make time to travel to!

54. Christina Masterman– Christina describes herself as a lover of words. Her words will leave you feeling inspired! When you need some words to lift you up, I highly recommend making some time to read Christina’s blog.

55. One Single Impression – another great site for writing prompts! Writing prompts are posted on Sunday, although you can check their calendar if you want to get started early on your poems. Lots of great prompts to get you thinking and other poets to check out as well!

56. Mag Pie Tales Another site with prompts to get you inspired to write! Tess Kincaid posts pictures for your prompt. Not only is there a weekly prompt, but you also get to read other poems. Tess’s prompts can inspire your own poetry writing while learning about other artist as well.

57. Way Station One You will for sure want to stop by to read Brian Miller’s poetry! I don’t know how Brian does it, but he manages to stop by and comment at so many blogs! How nice is that? Grab a seat,  and enjoy his poems!

58. dverse~ Poets Pub – Open links and poetry prompts all here in this one pub!

59. ABC Wednesday – The prompts here follow the alphabet. It’s easy to participate, simply link back to  ABC Wednesday, and introduce your post with “X is for__________”.

60. Show My Face the home to Six Word Saturdays. Link your 6 words and then read the other posts as well. Don’t worry if you add an explanation or more, it’s all good!

61. Two Shoes Tuesday Josie shares a prompt and you do the rest. Write your words and link up on Tuesdays!

with love, annie
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