Codependence and the Buddha
Dear Friends,
I’ve self identified as codependent since I learned what the word meant (unhealthy attachment to another person/s). I recently had a chance to experience this habit energy in a funny way that led me to a bit more understanding.
While I was at the Cirque du Soleil, I found myself unable to enjoy the show because somewhere deep inside I believed I was responsible for keeping the performers safe. I’m not kidding. Given the amount of talent, professionalism and training of the performers and my little seat in the 35th row, that was clearly a delusional belief.
The Buddha’s teachings on our responsibility for others can be a bit confusing. A bodhisattva's vow is to bring every single other being to the shore of liberation. How we do that isn’t always straightforward. And, the Buddha also said that we should “be an island unto yourself” and to “be your own refuge.”
I’ve had to do a little extra reading and practice over the years to develop more clarity about when it is my job to help others and when it is my job to focus on myself. The Buddha gave a talk about this which has become known as the Acrobat Sutra.
In the Acrobat Sutra, the Buddha describes a pair of traveling bamboo acrobats. The master acrobat tells the younger acrobat that while performing they each need to focus their attention on the other person in order to keep themselves safe. But his assistant says: No, we each need to focus on looking after ourselves. That’s what will keep us safe.
The Buddha then comments that both are correct because:
Looking after oneself, one looks after others.
Looking after others, one looks after oneself.
And how does one look after others by looking after oneself?
By practicing (mindfulness), by developing (it), by doing (it) a lot.
And how does one look after oneself by looking after others?
By patience, by non-harming, by loving kindness, by caring (for others).
(Thus) looking after oneself, one looks after others;
and looking after others, one looks after oneself.
While this may also sound confusing, I think the point here is that since we are interdependent with everyone and everything else, when we take care of ourselves we are taking care of the whole - which includes others; and when we take care of others, we are also taking care of the whole - hence we are taking care of ourselves.
That helps, but still isn’t very specific.
I have come up with some guidelines for myself that begin with being fully present. When I’m fully present, I can more accurately determine the needs of the moment. If someone is in real danger, not able to help themselves and I could easily help, it would be the right time to take care of them. If I’m upset and trying to calm myself down by doing something unasked for, I need to take a pause.
Some of the criteria I have developed for when to take care of others are*:
When the other person(s) is not able to handle their situation, is asking me for help and I have the tools to help
When the other person(s) is in some way being exploited/the system has them stuck and I am able to take steps to help
When the other person(s) is too young, old, unwell or otherwise unable to do what they need to do to take care of themself, even if they are not able to ask me for help.
In everyday life, people sometimes act in dangerous or self-harming ways, but they are not usually asking for my help. When I picture them up on the stage at the Cirque du Soleil, juggling fire or climbing ropes, not asking for my help or being exploited by others, this practice reminds me to relax and enjoy their show instead of taking on their drama. People are generally living the way that they have decided to live today.
The best way to help people in such situations is to practice mindfulness so that I am able to maintain my boundless compassion and loving kindness for them and enjoy the heck out of them in each moment. I don’t need to worry, I can just enjoy each person’s unique manifestation and acrobatics.
And for those who are asking for my help and in situations beyond their own ability to transform, then it is appropriate and beneficial to bring my skills, my mindfulness practice, and material goods to help.
At the Cirque, clearly the performers could take care of themselves and did not need my help, nor were they asking for it. I think I made the right choice by not climbing onto the stage to help them stay upright.
with love,
annie.
*(There is also an excellent teaching on what is the right thing to do in any moment written by Tolstoy: The Three Questions (When is the right time to begin? Who are the right people to listen to? What is the most important thing to do?))